"Cell Block Tango"
Music by John Kander
Lyrics by Fred Ebb
Performed by: Catherine Zeta-Jones (VELMA), Susan Misner (LIZ), Deidre Goodwin (JUNE),
Denise Faye (ANNIE), Ekaterina Chtchelkanova (THE HUNYAK), Mya Harrison (MONA),
Taye Diggs (BANDLEADER) and the Female Chorus

BACKGROUND: [GIRLS] (x 4)
Pop, Six, Squish, Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

[BANDLEADER (over second repetition)]
And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango

[ALL]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it

[VELMA]
I betcha you would have done the same!

[GIRLS - BACKGROUND x 2]

[LIZ (Spoken)]
You know how people
have these little habits
That get you down. Like Bernie.
Bernie liked to chew gum.
No, not chew. POP.
So I came home this one day
And I am really irritated, and
looking for a little bit of sympathy
and there's Bernie lyin'
on the couch, drinkin' a beer
and chewin'. No, not chewin',
Poppin'. So, I said to him,
I said, "Bernie, you pop that
gum one more time..."
And he did.
So I took the shotgun off the wall
and I fired two warning shots...
Into his head.

CHORUS: [GIRLS]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!

[ANNIE (Spoken over CHORUS)]
I met Ezekiel Young from
Salt Lake City about two years ago
and he told me he was single
and we hit it off right away.
So, we started living together.
He'd go to work, he'd come home,
I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner.
And then I found out:
"Single" he told me. Single, my ass.
Not only was he married...
Oh, no, he had six wives.
One of those Mormons, you know.
So that night when he came home from work,
I fixed him his drink, as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

[LIZ, ANNIE, JUNE, MONA over BACKGROUND]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower
In its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder
But not a crime!

[JUNE (Spoken) OVER BACKGROUND]
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen
carving up the chicken for dinner,
minding my own business.
In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage.
"You been screwin' the milkman," he says.
He was crazy and he kept on screamin',
"You been screwin the milkman."
And then he ran into my knife.
He ran into my knife ten times!

[ALL]
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

[THE HUNYAK (Spoken)]
Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,
hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg
lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan
vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja
Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam
a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg...

[ROXIE (Spoken)]
Yeah, but did you do it?

[HUNYAK]
UH UH, not guilty!

[VELMA (over CHORUS)]
My sister, Veronica and I had this double act,
and my husband, Charlie, travelled round with us.
Now, for the last number in our act,
we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row.
one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles,
back flips, flip flops, one right after the other.
So this one night before the show we're down at the Hotel Cicero,
the three of us, boozin', havin a few laughs and we ran out of ice.
So I go out to get some.
I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and
Charlie doing Number Seventeen -- the spread eagle.
Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[VELMA]
They had it coming

[GIRLS]
They had it coming

[VELMA]
They had it coming

[GIRLS]
They had it coming

[VELMA]
They had it coming

[GIRLS]
They took a flower

[VELMA]
All along

[GIRLS]
In its prime

[VELMA]
I didn't do it

[GIRLS]
And then they used it

[VELMA]
But if I'd done it

[GIRLS]
And they abused it

[VELMA]
How could you tell me

[GIRLS]
It was a murder

[VELMA]
That I was wrong?

[GIRLS]
But not a crime!

[MONA]
I loved Alvin Lipschitz more than I can possibly say.
He was a real artistic guy...sensitive... a painter.
But he was troubled.
He was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night
looking for himself and on the way
he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving.
I guess you can say we broke
up because or artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.

[ALL]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

[LIZ, ANNIE, MONA]
They had it comin'

[VELMA, JUNE, THE HUNYAK]
They had it comin'

[LIZ, ANNIE, MONA]
They had it comin'

[VELMA, JUNE, THE HUNYAK]
They had it comin'

[LIZ, ANNIE, MONA]
They had it comin'

[VELMA, JUNE, THE HUNYAK]
They had it comin'

[LIZ, ANNIE, MONA]
All along

[VELMA, JUNE, THE HUNYAK]
All along
'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us And they abused us
And they abused us

[LIZ, ANNIE, MONA]
How could you tell us

[VELMA, JUNE, THE HUNYAK]
How could you tell us That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would have done the same!

[LIZ (Spoken)]
You pop that gum one more time!

[ANNIE (spoken)]
Single my ass.

[JUNE (Spoken)]
Ten times!

[THE HUNYAK (Spoken)]
Miert csukott Uncle Sam bortonbe.

[VELMA (Spoken)]
Number seventeen -- the spread-eagle.

[MONA (Spoken)]
Artistic differences.

[LIZ]
Pop

[ANNIE]
Six

[JUNE]
Squish

[THE HUNYAK]
Uh uh

[VELMA]
Cicero

[MONA]
Lipschitz

The "some time back" Syndrome

Today I spent a lot of time reading blogs and journals of other Indians . It felt good to know that they all have their minds occupied with some movies and good books . Their ages range from mid twenties to late thirties. They all have this enthusiasm and energy about things. I remember how I was like this a few years back and then I wonder what happened to me . Why did I get so involved in all the routine and mundane things of life like fights, quarrels, misunderstandings ?

I am reminded of those times in the local train in Mumbai . I used to board the train at around 9 pm. Absolutely no rush in the ladies compartment. There would be plenty of space to sit down and yet I would prefer to stand somewhere near the door, close the eyes and feel the wind on my face. For those few minutes it used to feel like heaven and so light and free.

When did I start brooding ? I was so completely different . I wanted to grow up in a completely different way than my mother . Be free , nag little, more opportunities and less restrictions, learn things and be open to ideas. And now I find myself doing just the same things that I used to loathe some time back.

I am basking a lot in the glory of the past. Who cares what I was a couple of years ago ? It is what I am now that matters. Something mellowed down that rebel inside me . I got to wake the rebel up and give it a nice shake. I have to shed this false facade that I carry around these days acting like a kid and be more like the person that I was before. I got to act before it is too late . Before I begin to forget. Who I was.

As I am writing this I realize that I am beginning to fall in love with the sound of keys as I type. Reminds me of 'Finding Forrester'.

I was feeling a lot lighter this morning . Life somehow has a way of catching up with me. But now I am not going to let it happen. Hey 'Life thing', you stay put right there by the corner. I ain't letting you come to me .

Somehow my head feels very light today . And I like it ..It has been a long long time since it felt this way..Maybe I felt like this for the first time when I started passing in Algebra exams . It took quite a while for me to get the hang of x's and y's and their whole squares. At that time I just couldn't understand how Mathematics could contain anything more than just numbers...Time passes by quite swiftly and you end up doing an engineering course ...

Yesterday there was a talk about how some people are natural photographers and how some try to learn the same from books. And how a superior equipment cannot hide the basic follies ! Life is so very same and ordinary for everybody. It is how we choose to view it that makes it so special . Same applies for photography.While some eyes can view something as extraordinary and special , some eyes just can't see it !

"Charlie Babbit made a joke" . Can you make one for me just like Charlie did for Raymond Babbit ?

Linda Goodman says so. Amazing how true some are ..

"Consider anything only don't cry . . ."

The female Scorpio has a deep, mysterious beauty. She's magnetic, proud and totally confident. But she has one secret regret. She was not born a man.

I can almost feel the heat from here when Pluto women hear about that revelation. There's not a Scorpio female alive who doesn't think she's all woman, and you may wonder what I'm talking about yourself, if you're in love with one. This girl certainly has enough glamour, and she's enormously seductive. But I didn't say she looked like a boy, nor did I intend to imply she doesn't do a bang-up job of being a female. It's just that, unconsciously, she would prefer to be a man. Less restriction-more oppor¡©tunity. It's the one secret she even hides from herself, and seeing it exposed won't sit well with her.

Once the Scorpio girl has figured out the difference be¡©tween blue booties and pink booties, she'll resign herself to wearing the pink ones, because she's fabulous at mak¡©ing the best out of a situation. But pink is not her natural color. The true shade of her nature is dark maroon, or deep wine-red, not a female color at all. However, to give her proper tribute, she's able to make you think it is. I know one who's great at pretending to be a fragile, fluffy kitten. She purrs so contentedly most men guess she's an ultra-feminine Piscean. They topple into her trap and wake up later, sadder but wiser. She is no kitten.

Scorpio women have a scornful contempt for members of their sex who flop in the roles of sweetheart, wife and mother, once they're stuck with the parts. A Pluto girl will control her desire to dominate, while she gives a glorious performance of womanhood, and she'll do it with more finess than the masculine Aries, Leo or Sagittarius girl. At least she'll do it during courtship. There may be a few cases when the unsuspecting male gets a rude sur¡©prise after he shakes the rice out of his shoes and the illusions out of his eyes. Unlike the Mars female, for example, a Scorpio will subdue her drive and magnetize a man with the heavy perfume of her exotic glance as she allows him to use his lighter to ignite her cigarette. That's far sexier than aggressively striking a match herself and blowing the smoke in his face, and she knows it. She knows lots more. Another girl might rush headlong into your arms and shout her love from the rooftops. The Scorpio girl walks toward you slowly, seductively, and silently delivers her private message. It's puzzling, but these women can look seductive in jeans, jodhpurs or basketball shoes. Maybe it's her husky voice that creates the image. I know one who wore a baseball cap (honest) the entire time her future husband was courting her, and she spent a lot of time talking about batting averages. But she was as seductive as Mata Hari just the same, and she got her man. (He was hypnotized, as usual.)

You can give her a tumble, but she won't fall all over herself reacting to your overtures. Don't expect her to bat long, sweeping eyelashes at you, and adore you with blind devotion. Lots of female Scorpios are tomboys with stubby eyelashes. Besides, with those beautiful, mysterious eyes that can read your mind so clearly, she doesn't need any extra trimming. Whisper something romantic that would melt another girl out of her senses, and the Scorpio girl will simply give you an intense, penetrating look that will see right straight through to your real intentions. She's a human X-ray machine, so don't flirt. Unless you mean business, you're wasting her time and insulting her. I wouldn't advise you to insult a Scorpio. It's just not healthy. If you don't know what I mean, ask someone who has. He may have some stories to tell that will curl your hair.

I'm well aware that this dangerous femme fatale can hide her power of retaliation with a tremulous smile, gentle mannerisms, and the most breathless voice this side of an angel. But astrologers are expected to be up on these things. It's more important for you to be well aware. After all, you're the one who's seeking to tame her-or protect your¡©self against her-whichever. Probably both.

You can be sure that heaven certainly has no fury like that of a Scorpio woman who's lost her normal steady control over those inward, seething, Pluto emotions. She can be overbearing and domineering, sarcastic and frigid- then turn as hot as an oven at 500 degrees Fahrenheit. She can hate with bitter venom and love with fierce abandon. She can shriek like a furious banshee or whisper like an affectionate turtle dove. One thing you can be sure of- she's never wishy-washy.

The Scorpio woman has a disconcerting gift that can make icy shivers run up your spine. It's a peculiar form of black magic, and she weaves it so expertly it can seem like real witchcraft. You have very little chance to escape, once her eyes meet yours. Because of her mystical sixth sense, she can often recognize a future mate at first glance, and somehow, she'll transfer this perception instantly. You'll have one of two reactions. You'll be hopelessly caught in her spell, and down you'll go, in a dizzy spin toward surrender, or you'll be scared right out of your socks, and feel like running for help. What's your rush? Stay around awhile. You might find out what life is all about. She knows. And she'll teach you. Anyway, you should be flattered that she considers you worth that strange gaze. A Scorpio woman can't excuse weakness in a man. She looks for ambition and courage. She wants a mate who can dominate her and make her proud, without disturbing her secret individuality. He's expected to be strong, masculine and better-looking than average. A high degree of intelligence is required to match her own excellent mind, plus more than a passing acquaintance with abstract, philosophical wisdom. So put your socks back on and practice a superior smirk. Everybody you know will think you're pretty super to have her staring at you. The men and women both. It could open new vistas, when you think about it. Your personal stock should zoom several points higher than it was before she noticed you.

Having once achieved closeness with a female Scorpio, you can be positive you're a unique and unusual man. You can also be sure that her love for you is unmatched by any you'll ever experience-and you can take that in sev¡©eral ways. You'll be the most important interest in her life. If she's a typical Pluto girl, she'll boost you loyally, and try to please you with passionate intensity. If you're too hard to please, she'll show her frustration with pas¡©sionate attempts to conquer your disinterest.

The word "passionate" probably caught your eye. Most men have heard exciting rumors about the passion of November females. It's true. She's brimming over inside with passion, though it's kept under rigid control by a poised, frosty attitude toward strangers, and a surface smoothness suggestive of black velvet. But the male sex is too inclined to relate passion strictly to romantic action; and that's selling her short, because Pluto's definition of the word is far more encompassing. It's involved with her feelings about everything she touches. She's never just slightly interested. It's impossible for her to be detached or casual. She seldom likes or dislikes a play, a book, re¡©ligion, furniture or people. She either bitterly resents or she intensely worships. If one of these two passions can't be aroused, then she totally ignores, with ice around the edges. Yet, through it all, she'll remain essentially un¡©touched by emotional storms, judging at least from her placid exterior, which always drapes itself around her after each minor or major nuclear explosion. It may be difficult to convince your mother-in-law that her daughter really broke all those dishes and tore all those draperies to shreds after the fury has subsided and her black velvet poise has returned. People may look at you as if you're a character assassinator. What do you mean? Shame on you, accusing that cool, controlled, lovely girl of such a temper. You have my sympathy, if that's any help.

She has such fabulous virtues, you might know her vices wouldn't be skimpy, either. So think about her good points. All right, then, think about her good points after that lump on your head has healed.

Because she's drawn to investigation of the shadows, she may at first seem to be tempting, forbidden fruit, and the deep, strange expression in her eyes intensifies the impres¡©sion. It's true that the Scorpio girl sometimes wanders into dangerous waters in her efforts to penetrate life, and since there's not the slightest trace of fear in her (unless she has an affliction to her Moon, and is full of nameless terrors), her search may indeed take her into some weird byways. But the typical Scorpio will emerge from any discovery still strong and pure. If she allows the journey to soil her inner spirit, Pluto will punish her with anguished remorse and guilt; yet she can still call on her great strength of character to rise again, like the phoenix, from the ashes of her experiments. In Kahlil Gibran's writings, the Prophet replies, in answer to a question about Evil, "Of the Good in you I can speak, but not of the Evil. For what is Evil but Good-tortured by its own hunger and thirst? When Good is hungry, it seeks food, even in dark caves, and when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters." A perfect description of Scorpio.

She may have been a fascinated spectator to a million human foibles, and she may have tasted a variety of ex¡©periences to savor the knowledge. But she can mysteriously emerge from all her explorations above suspicion, and still superior to almost every other woman you know. She could be the keeper of quite a few secrets. It's surprising how many dark deeds are confessed to Scorpios, though their own inner lives are marked: "Private-Keep Out." She likes to hear secrets, but she'll seldom tell anything any¡©one has confided in her, not even to you (unless there's an afflicted Mercury in her natal chart). You can also expect her to have a stack of secrets that relate to her personally, and don't try to pry them out of her. There's a private part to this woman you'll never touch, a part of her mind and soul that belongs strictly to her, and there's absolutely no trespassing there. She's not untruthful, in fact she's more oftien too brutally honest, yet there will always be those special thoughts and feelings she won't confide to you or anyone else.

A Scorpio woman will be incredibly loyal to those she finds strong and deserving, but the weak ones will never be honored by her glance. Her dignity in human relation¡©ships can make her seem aloof and snobbish. In a way, she definitely is, because she practices a personal caste system, and it's more clearly marked than that of her Leo and Capricorn sisters. All Scorpios are highly selective in friendships. They'll keep the worthy companions through an entire lifetime, and freeze the shallow, the common or the unworthy. There's an immense store of perseverance and determination buried in the nature of a Scorpio woman, and any time she chooses, she can call on these to help her master the excesses which may tempt her, from drink and drugs to self-destructive, ruthless revenge and dangerous depression. Sooner or later, she'll probably investigate some form of the occult, and ancient mysteries and unseen worlds will eventually have her respect, though Scorpios can range all the way from religious fervor to total atheism during a lifetime.

A Scorpio woman need not be a legal wife to give wifely love and devotion. If circumstances beyond your control make marriage impossible, she'll love you from hell to breakfast, and not give a hang what the neighbors think. In most such unusual situations, the relationship is real and honest above and beyond the shallow, selfish love of many a legitimate marriage. The hypocrisies of society will never keep this courageous woman from seeking the sun. She answers to no law but her own, and in her Pluto heart, she has more total understanding of the vow "till death do us part" than half the brides who blissfully murmur the phrase.

Despite her own strong individualism, the typical Scorpio girl will let her man be the boss. Instead of overshadowing him with her force and drive, she'll apply her talents to help him attain his goals. Your future will be important to her, and she's not likely to insist on retaining her own career after marriage (unless you've disappointed her deeply or a second job is needed in a temporary domestic crisis). She may fight you wildly in private, but she'll defend you fiercely in public. She won't stand for anyone maligning you or taking advantage of you. Those who try will feel the lash of her righteous anger. Your happiness will always come first. Unless there are adverse aspects to her Sun sign or ascendant in her natal chart, she'll pa¡©tiently help you persevere until you get what you want, and while you're getting it, she won't whine or complain or become restless, though she might turn a little bitter if you lose your courage on the way. She'll expect you to aim as high as your abilities will reach. Anything less may bring on some pretty sarcastic taunts and reproaches, especially if she has an afflicted Mercury.

Scorpio women love their homes, which usually shine with cleanliness, taste and comfort. Meals are served on time, and things are generally under control. If the opposite is true, something is making her mighty unhappy, because her natural inclination is to beauty and system. To the typical Scorpio woman spring cleaning is like vacation. They love to dig into comers to see what they can find. Just be careful she doesn't find any cryptic notes that smell of perfume in your old jacket pockets when she's clearing out the closets. Scorpio is unreasonably suspicious, even when there's no basis for suspicion, so you can imagine what happens when she finds a real clue to possible in¡©fidelity. Picture the shape of a mushroom cloud and you'll get a general idea of what may happen, figuratively speak¡©ing. It's no good being suspicious of her, no matter how many opportunities arise; and there will be a goodly num¡©ber of them, because she never exposes her deepest feel¡©ings. Naturally, this can arouse a few questions on your part. Just swallow them, along with the lump in your throat. Like that locked chest or drawer she's had since childhood, certain things about her are off limits. It will get you nowhere to probe. I realize fully that it isn't fair. So does she. But that doesn't change things a bit. That's the way it is. Take her or leave her. You'll probably take her. It's almost impossible to leave her. If nothing else, she'll haunt you the rest of your life. Adjusting to the idiosyncrasies of her nature is easier than suffering the nightmares that will surely result if you walk away. No one walks away from a Scorpio. Not really. Didn't you know that? Those who have tried can educate you. Any¡©way, you have a very special woman.

As much as she needs the security of home roots, shell move if it's necessary to your career, and without any visible flinching at the uprooting. She makes an excellent wife for an army or navy man and a real jewel for a politician. There's no one she can't see through, no de¡©ception that escapes her. A Scorpio woman can tell you exactly who can be trusted and which ones you have to watch. The Pisces wife has the same ability, but she may be too soft to criticize, too ready to make excuses for the failings of others. Not so the Scorpio female. In fact, she may frequently have to check her sharp tongue and tone down her brutal analysis.

In the budget department, Scorpio women are complete¡©ly unpredictable. She can scrimp and save and pinch a penny until it bends double, then have a sudden spell of being magnificently extravagant. One thing is sure. She'll enjoy money, whether she saves it in an old shoe or spends it on luxury. But this woman always leans heavily toward prestige, and she won't let cash compromise that. She'll be satisfied if you choose a smaller income, as long as it insures that you are your own boss, with the potential to rise to become somebody of influence, Scorpio females like power, and they will sacrifice much for it. Your power will do, because Pluto allows her to be adept at living vicarious¡©ly through others when it suits her. Remember that al¡©though she'll sacrifice and put up with very little for a planned goal, she's too proud to live amid shabby sur¡©roundings forever, and she'll become mighty sour and dis¡©contented if she's forced to do so for an unreasonable length of time. She'll either try to force a change in the family fortunes after a certain period, or she'll gradually retreat into the dismal world of the gray lizard, outwardly accepting and almost seeming to enjoy poverty, but in¡©wardly intensely bitter.

She'll be possessive but she won't want to be possessed. One of the worst traits of both male and female Scorpios is a refusal to see any viewpoint but their own when the emotions are involved. It takes weeks of introspection to bring them around to a semblance of humility. Her natural interest in the opposite sex, even if it remains platonic, may give you as much reason to be jealous of her as she is of you. She'll probably fascinate every male in sight on oc¡©casion, and you may have to sit by while they're mesmer¡©ized. It seldom leads to anything serious, but it can cause some uncomfortable moments. It can also lead to some explosive disagreements. In the heat of battle, it pays to remember that her compulsion to even the score usually makes her the winner in any kind of skirmish. She gets the last word. If you tell her a lie, she may tell two. If you stubbornly refuse to kiss her good-bye in the morning after a tiff, she may refuse to kiss you goodnight for a month. Just let your mother (or anybody's mother) criti¡©cize her cooking, and the Scorpio woman may forget to invite her to dinner for several Sundays in a row. An acci¡©dental injury, however, she'll forgive, if she knows it's unintentional. The Scorpio sense of justice is as strong as the sense of revenge. Most people forget this. She'll remember every kindness and give you back double for that, too. It works both ways.

With the children, her expression of love may lack a cer¡©tain tenderness and open demonstration, but the youngsters will probably sense her deep devotion and feel emotionally secure anyway. A Scorpio mother won't let the talents of her children go unnoticed or gather dust. She'll spend many an hour encouraging them toward higher goals, and be willing to provide any support they need. Her offspring will find her strong and helpful when youthful problems arise, because her knowledge of human nature makes her a wise counselor. She'll teach them to meet difficulties with her own courage. But she can be bund to their faults, an attitude which can naturally cause a lot of trouble if it isn't recognized and checked in time. Anyone she imagines is a threat to the happiness of her children, in any way, however small, will be crushed, and I'm afraid that in¡©cludes her husband. She won't appreciate it if he's stricter with them than she thinks he ought to be.

A Scorpio woman will sometimes nearly drown you in her passion for living, yet in a real storm, her cool, calm reason and steely strength will be a life raft. Though she works her magic in strange and secret ways, her haunting eyes will always gaze at you with basic honesty, even while she remains just beyond the reach of human under¡©standing. She's a little dangerous, perhaps, but undeniably exciting. Let other husbands cope with the flighty girls. You've known the compelling mystery of a lovely witch who brews a pretty good cup of tea and never bums your toast. (Well, almost never.) When the cup is empty, let her read the tea leaves for you. She can-if she wants to.

You mean you didn't know? I told you there are things she keeps to herself....
¡¡

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I was reading about 'Night Terrors' this morning. Maybe my condition is a combination of Sleep Paralysis and Night Terrors. I browsed a lot of sites and understood this. I need to calm down, be stress free and speak more about my feelings rather than hiding them. I should start reacting to things than feel mentally paralyzed. One website says that an afternoon nap will help. Maybe I should try it . Somebody says a nightlamp helps.

I hope for better things in this new year and today is Deepavali .

Asato ma sad gamaya
Tamaso ma jyothir gamaya
Mrityor ma amrutham gamaya

Happy Deepavali !

I spent a lot of time this morning thinking and writing about emotional violence and psychological scars . I then decided it was time I regained my strength and took the bull by its horns. Psychology and shrinks are overrated.

I was reading 'The Mayor of Casterbridge' by Thomas Hardy and people's reviews on the same. Some people felt that it was very boring and corny. Somehow I was reminded of the school days when this was a mandatory read for the English II course. I read about how the central character Henchard was manipulative and chauvinistic. He sells his wife and child in an auction in a drunken state and feels that his wife was responsible for his selling ! Made me feel angry for sometime. I remember feeling very emotional and angry regarding this during school days too . Maybe it is the power of the novelist. Maybe it is the craziness of my psyche. I somehow think that Henchard, his wife Susan and child Elizabeth Jane all lived in this world once upon a time and that if I had had the power I would have grabbed that Henchard guy by the throat. Some situations really make me very angry ! But then there are all kinds of stupid people around me and I will have to live amongst them for I have this human form . Or I should retreat to the forest and live among animals. Maybe it is not a bad idea after all...

I am looking forward to be able to forget , gaining more mental strength and self confidence by the day ...

Meg Ryan was on TV today talking about her new movie 'In the Cut' to be released later this week. She was referring to one of the scenes in the film where the hero woos the lady with his words and the way he speaks. A couple of nice thoughts followed.

Eroticism is more than flesh . Sometimes the way your loved one speaks, the timbre of the voice , the pitch and the modulation can be more erotic than touch !

I wanted to see if this movie was worth watching . Rotten Tomatoes says a big 'No' ..

Anyways for today it was nice to know that a duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why .

I liked the card-kicker on TV today.

The guy who can so happily kick off with his foot an entire castle of cards that he built for three days !

The smile on his face when he is kicking off those cards.I see contentment there. The
castle does not matter to him anymore. He is satisfied with the fact that he has the ability to create it
and the pleasure the whole process gave.

Will I be able to kick off life with the same happiness as that of the card-kicker ? Will I have the
contentment of having lived a good life for a few days ? And not want more or hold on to what
I created during my lifetime. The ability to let go is amazing.

Some of my favorite lines ...

Virginia Woolf in 'The Hours'

It is possible to die. Laura thinks, suddenly, of how she -how anyone- can make a choice like that. It is a reckless, vertiginous thought, slightly disembodied -it announces itself inside her head, faintly but distinctly, like a voice crackling from a distant radio station. She could decide to die. It is an abstract, shimmering notion, not particularly morbid. Hotel rooms are where people do things like that, aren't they? It's possible -perhaps even likely- that someone has ended his or her life right here, in this room, on this bed. Someone said. Enough, no more; someone looked for the last time at these white walls, this smooth white ceiling. By going to a hotel, she sees, you leave the particulars of your own life and enter a neutral zone, a clean white room, where dying does not seem quite so strange.

It could, she thinks, be deeply comforting; it might feel so free: to simply go away. To say to them all, I couldn't manage, you had no idea; I didn't want to try anymore. There might, she thinks, be a dreadful beauty in it. like an ice field or a desert in early morning. She could go, as it were, into that other landscape; she could leave them all behind -her child, her husband and Kitty, her parents, everybody- in this battered world (it will never be whole again, it will never be quite clean), saying to one another and to anyone who asks. We thought she was all right, we thought her sorrows were ordinary ones. We had no idea.

She strokes her belly. I would never. She says the words out loud in the clean, silent room: '"I would never." She loves life, loves it hopelessly, at least at certain moments; and she would be killing her son as well. She would be killing her son and her husband and the other child, still forming inside her. How could any of them recover from something like that? Nothing she might do as a living wife and mother, no lapse, no fit of rage or depression, could possibly compare. It would be, simply, evil. It would punch a hole in the atmosphere, through which everything she's created -the orderly days, the lighted windows, the table laid for supper- would be sucked away.

Still, she is glad to know (for somehow, suddenly, she knows) that it is possible to stop living. There is comfort in facing the full range of options; in considering all your choices, fearlessly and without guile. She imagines Virginia Woolf, virginal, unbalanced, defeated by the impossible demands of life and art; she imagines her stepping into a river with a stone in her pocket. Laura keeps stroking her belly. It would be as simple, she thinks, as checking into a hotel. It would be as simple as that.

Sritopia roolz !